Still Hurting...But Hopeful

I am a spunky, goofy smart-a** Jersey girl who loves to laugh.  I am also extremely sensitive and feel things so deeply that it hurts sometimes.  When I look at my baby girl from across the room I am often brought to tears by how much I love her.  I used to stand in front of my classroom when I was a teacher and get choked up with pride when I realized how my students were growing up right before my eyes.  I will stand in the kitchen dancing to imaginary music with my husband and have to crack a joke to keep from crying sometimes.

And that is why, ever since I heard the news on Friday afternoon, I have been living life just a little bit out of focus.  I am there, but not really.     

Saturday we were scheduled to take Grace to a Teddy Bear Breakfast.  We promised her she could bring "Heavy Bear," a 3 foot tall photography prop that she likes to carry around the house. And of course we went.  And I faked it.  I brought my camera, snapped pictures, bit the arm off of a gingerbread man to make her laugh, took her to see Santa...  But the whole time I was thinking how scared I was to be a part of this world.

 This crazy, goofy fall of fluff that I call my daughter loves life.  And right now she has no idea of the evils that lurk in the shadowy places of this world.  And why should she?  She is perfect in every way and deserves to keep her innocence. 

But, so does every child.  

And it pains me to no end to know that I cannot protect her from everything.  That some day someone will hurt her.  That some day she will have to see the horrors that happen in this world.


And what scares me the most is that someday, those terrible things and awful people that could hurt my baby and take away her innocence, will also steal the sparkle from her eyes.  
The spunk that makes her who she is.  And leave her living her life just a little bit out of focus.

These are the wandering thoughts of a girl still morning the loss of innocent children.  Yes I am living my life in a daze right now.  But it won't last.  It never does.  I will never forget the way I feel right now.  But I will also not forget that it is my duty to carry on and to give my daughter so much love and happiness today so that she may use it as a shield to protect herself from the hate and sadness she encounters in the future.  In life there are no guarantees, there is only this moment.  And since we don't ever know how many moments we have left, we better fill the ones we have with as much joy and love as we can.